Neurodivergent for the Holidays

I want to like Christmas or the Holiday Season.

I really, really do.

At the same time I have steadily decreased my enjoyment of the Holiday Season each year and it’s led me to reflect on why that is the case. I believe that most of my challenges are related to the tension between reality and expectations for the season. Gift giving is a perfect example of one of these tensions.

I thought I would share my reflections in case they help anyone else to process their challenges with the holidays. And if I’m honest, writing things out helps me sort things out, too. 

I haven’t solved anything, yet, but am gathering clues as to why I struggle with this time of year. I have ADHD (diagnosed) and suspect some other neurodivergent aspects (undiagnosed) to my basic brain chemistry.  The patterns I have perceived are ones that I would believe other neurodivergent folks might struggle with this time of year.

I rely on my cognitive ability to handle many decision making processes; things that I’m sure more neurotypical folks would find a bit easier to manage. I think of these processes as algorithms or processes that allow for taking information in and making decisions on how to respond. 

The appropriateness of the response becomes more important when people’s emotions or feelings are involved; and oh boy is the Holiday Season a feast (pun intended) of feelings for folks, myself included. 

I have identified two challenges with holiday algorithms that I have yet to fully debug.

Challenge 1: Be Authentic and be Grateful

I have been taught that it’s important to try to be authentic and real with folks. I believe it’s important to be honest, especially with those that are closest.

I have also been taught that it’s important to be grateful and always thank people for their gifts. 

Say I had dropped subtle hints and/or outright requests for a new Xbox game. In response, I get given a new sweater (* note: not an actual event that has happened; for illustrative purposes only). I feel disappointed, regardless of how cool of a gift the actual sweater may be. 

I should feel grateful, shouldn’t I? Now the conflicting inputs cause the algorithm to fail.

Do I express the gratitude for the gift and leave off the disappointment of not receiving the game? Do I admit frustration that the desired gift was missed and risk sounding ungrateful?

My personal best outcome to date is to try to be grateful for the gift and not express misgivings about the missed gift (knowing full well this runs into future seasons of disappointment of receiving sweaters).

I believe the right answer is probably somewhere around the middle - be grateful in the moment and find the space to have a conversation with the loved about the disappointment of not feeling heard.  

I have learned that despite being obvious about the hints I’ve been dropping from my perspective, the knowledge may not have gotten to the other person and they may have been surprised I wanted a new game. As I said, this is a work in progress (so if you have any advice, pass along)

Challenge 2: What the heck do I get you?

Unless you give me a list of what you want, you’re probably going to get one of the following: nothing or technology.  I have come to experience anxiety around gift giving that in some ways it is easier to choose nothing than it is to try to miss expectations and potentially inflict the kind of internal conflict that I experience around receiving a mismatched gift to expectations.

Give me a list and I will do whatever I can to get everything on that list as I like meeting those expectations. Note the importance of giving an actual list; things that are mentioned in person will quite frequently fall into the void of ADHD. 

Adding to that is the complication that I tend to be quite literal. For example, if you say “it’d be nice to have a new XBox game” I will acknowledge that person would like a new Xbox game (hey me too!). It does not trigger “I should buy this person a Xbox game” algorithm. The information doesn’t get stored. (And in the rare case I do catch the reference- it can still get eaten by ADHD). 

The one exception is technology - if I can see or find a new gadget that someone will like then I’m cool with getting that. I think my logic here is that the non-technical person may not even know to ask for such a thing, so I feel that I’m providing a service to them even in letting them know such an item exists.

My solution has to just ask folks what they want. It may kill the magic of finding that right gift for the right person. However, the trade off in the lack of anxiety and stress is worth it in my opinion. (and hopefully the other person doesn’t mind the lack of surprise on the big day).

The warning

As a bonus for making it this far, I will include a warning. Because of the anxiety and stress that a neurodivergent person may feel around gift giving, I think many of us have a work around: The Thing That You Like.

If you let someone like me know that you like something, you will get that thing until you state that you no longer want that thing. For example, if you say you like panda bears, every time I see something that has a panda bear I will think “I should buy this for person xyz”. It reduces the stress and anxiety in gift buying as, in absence of an actual list of items desired, it gives the opportunity to presume that gift is welcome.

The challenge here is that your tastes may evolve, or you may desire something different. You may say somewhat sarcastically “Oh, another Panda Bear. How…. great…” I may not pick up on that. And next year you’ll get another opportunity to receive the next great panda bear inspired item.

If you have someone neurodivergent in your family then you can at least know they’re trying to connect and be thoughtful. Unfortunately I don’t have any guidance on how to broach this subject without possibly hurt feelings resulting. I think a direct suggestion of what you’re interested in (in writing, if possible) to your neurodivergent gift-giver may be the best option.

If you have any suggestions or ideas please let me know as I’m still trying to get better at managing anxiety through this time of the year.

The Conclusion

I know that the Holidays don't come from a store (and that perhaps it is a lot more). I chose gift giving as a way I could explore the tension of expectations vs. reality on both sides of the equation. I hope to be better at managing this season’s anxiety in the future.

And I certainly wish you and yours the best of the holiday season!